If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
