I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
