I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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