Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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