You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
