I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this boner is exhausting
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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