After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
