weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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