I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
