I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
