Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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