Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
