I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
