she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
