Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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