Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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