Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
we should paint friendship bongs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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