Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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