NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
being pregnant is like rehab
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
