so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
