I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
