I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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