my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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