I puked a lego.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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