So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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