i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
