dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
