Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
