if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
