My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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