Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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