update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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