Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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