I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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