I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
