got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
then he tried to convert me to islam
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
