I like my sex mixed with concussions.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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