I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
