Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
