someone threw a dead crab at me
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
