...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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