my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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