I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
