Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
