It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
