I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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