I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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