He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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