I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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