you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
