so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
