When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
