I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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