I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
