i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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