i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
