I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
