you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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